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I, Janet: Essence Magazine September 2001


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I Janet
Essence Magazine September 2001


We all know the public Janet Jackson, the mega-successful superstar who came of age before our very eyes. Now meet the private Janet as she tells us in her own voice what's behind all the hype, how she manages heartache and who she is now.

Women have a hard time processing pain. At least I do. I tend to stuff it, or deny it, or deaden it by working too hard and too long. But I'm changing. I'm looking for healthy ways to process pain. I do it by sharing with friends the simple truth of where I've been, where I am and where I want to go.

My journey has been marked by twists and turns. The drama has been intense. My challenge, like that of so many of us, is not to judge myself. I tend to take the blame for anything that goes wrong. I'm a harsh and cruel self-critic. I long to treat myself gently, but because I've had privileges in my life, I don't think I'm entitled to acknowledge pain or loss. That nasty critic inside me sees that as whining. As the youngest daughter of a family steeped in show business, I'm expected to smile. Radiate happiness. Exude optimism and joy. That's a pressure I both accept and resist. I believe I was born to entertain. That's the public Janet. The private Janet is another matter.

The private Janet likes to listen more than talk. If I go to clubs with friends, I get too embarrassed to dance. I don't think I measure up to the other dancers on the floor. I stay home with my dogs, munch on strawberries and cream, listen to jazz. As a little girl, I clung closely to my mother. Mother was my refuge, my world. My earliest memories are of waiting for my brothers to return from tour. I missed them terribly. When I was 5, the Jackson 5 were at their height, the world's most popular boy band. Along with everyone else, I watched them on TV, saw them turned into cartoon characters, loved them, even idolized them, but interacted with them infrequently. We were always apart. The great distance between us has never been bridged. The concern for family is there, yet the distance remains. To this day, we haven't quite caught up with one another. The nonstop demands of show business threw us in different directions.

I was close to Michael because of his sensitivity. His sweetness. The way he sang and danced, the gentleness of his soul, had an enormous influence on me. He gave me his attention. In his relationship to our father--in his fierce resistance to authority--I saw the foreshadowing of my own relationship with the man we call Joseph. The Michael I knew best was teenage Michael. He inspired me. As adults, we rarely meet, but when we do, it's not as strangers, but as a loving brother and sister whose knowledge of each other is rooted in the past, not the present. We cherish dear memories; we sympathize over the single missing element of our childhood--the fact that our childhood never existed.

What family isn't dysfunctional? What family isn't composed of crazy dreams and demands passed on--or imposed--from parent to child? I see those dreams as gifts. Without them, I'd get nowhere. Demands and desire commingled in our household. By desire, I mean drive--the need to succeed at any healthy cost. But early on I also knew that, given so much dysfunction, I wanted out--out of my family and to be on my own. I married when, for all practical purposes, I was still a child, just 18 years old. I wasn't ready. I watched my first husband, James DeBarge, wrestle with his demons. I felt his pain; I understood his pain, but I didn't understand the impact of his pain on his behavior. I wound up in the middle of a horror movie. Brokenhearted, disillusioned, I threw myself into work, into a career that, at first, was still tied to my father. I broke that tie in the name of Control, my third album. That was in 1986, when I was still not yet 21. Control is a wonderful thing. But control is an illusion. No one but God is in control. That took me a long time--another 14 years--to learn. The more we cling to the notion that we are in control, the greater our delusion.

I admit it; I was deluded. I married again, this time in secret to Rene Elizondo, Jr., convinced that privacy would protect the sanctity of our bond. As a wife, I reasoned that the private Janet would have a better chance than the public Janet. Lessons learned at my mother's knee were subconsciously a part of my very being: Stick by your man; loyalty is unquestioned and absolute; never abandon, never give up; tolerate what needs to be tolerated; work it out; understand; let love see you through. It took me more than a decade to see the truth about my relationship with Rene, and it happened on an evening when I thought I was going blind.

I was in Lyon, France, in 1998 on the Velvet Rope tour. In two separate accidents--one involved my dog and the other a magazine that grazed my eye--my corneas had been scratched. Somehow I made it through the show, but afterward my eyes were burning so badly that even the lights on the dashboard felt like daggers. The throbbing was excruciating. We went looking for a hospital--it was past midnight--where an impatient nurse applied a salve that only made it worse. Back at the hotel, my eyelids were swollen to the size of lipstick pencils. I cried all night. When morning came, I couldn't see. But where my eyes failed, my heart saw with a clarity I had never before known: I saw my marriage for what it was. It was that simple. My husband's concern was elsewhere. Other things dominated his attention, secret things I had failed or refused to recognize. I won't say what things because they are not mine to reveal. We'd been ensnared in a sad, sick dance. The dance involved hours of therapy but very little sincerity. The sickness was subtle. We had few arguments; there was no physical abuse. But double lives were being led; hidden agendas were being pursued. And I was seeing what I had never wanted to see. Or admit. I dislike admitting it here.

I'd been played. Millions of women have gone through this. So why is it so hard to admit that I'm among them? The public Janet feels obligated to project positive vibes. The private Janet feels obligated to take the blame. I feel I should have known better, seen it coming, been wiser, smarter, shrewder. But you learn what you learn when you learn it. The chains of codependency--where egos are merged and identities confused--are strong. To break them requires real determination. Those chains have been binding us for generations. Our parents' patterns, inherited from their parents, can haunt us for a lifetime. I'm grateful that my eyes were finally opened and my heart, though broken, is on the mend.

I call my latest release All for You. The You is my fans, who've stayed with me and watched me grow; the You is the mysterious force of love that's the source of creativity; and the You is also me. All for You is a suite of songs that helped me move from one emotional level to another. I'm the kind of artist who has no choice but to write what I feel. Velvet Rope took me inside my fears and frustrations. All for You has brought me outside, happy on a natural high, convinced that I really can express joy in the face of pain. My moods are ever-changing. If you listen to the CD, you'll hear what I'm going through. There's anger, hurt, regret, even that familiar vein of severe self-criticism I can't quite shake. (I still can't stand seeing any of my movies or concert tapes; I still cringe when I watch myself act or dance.) Yet there's also confidence. I hope this doesn't sound egotistical, but this time I stood alone and crafted my art according to my heart. I feel free, and there's nothing more wonderful than freedom.

Freedom means choices. I chose to explore the sensual side of my personality because that's an essential part of who I am. If the songs are too explicit for some, all I can say is that I'm being honest about my own sexuality. I hunger for passion.

I'm sometimes asked if I mind being called gay. My answer is no. To answer otherwise is to insult gay people. I feel most people's sexuality is enormously complicated. That's what it means to be human. Wouldn't it be great if we honored that complexity rather than turn it into gossip or ridicule? Wouldn't it be great if we accepted sexual diversity, in ourselves and others, without condemning it? My closest friends are women. My closest friends are men. My closest friends have seen me through the challenges of these past years. They have become my family.

I love men. I'm dating for the first time, and I'm not especially good at it. Maybe it's because I harbor the fear that haunts so many of us: I'm afraid I'll be played again. I'm okay alone. I'm enjoying the absence of major drama. I don't want to sound cold, but the idea of living without a romantic relationship does not frighten me. I can see myself as a single parent. I can see myself handling my life on my own. I simply want to accept God's will.

The last song on All for You is called "Better Days." "The blindfold's off my eyes," I sing, "and now all I see for me is better days." I feel that way. I feel light and almost giddy about untying the knots that were choking me, restraining me, preventing my growth. To me, growth is everything. As an artist, as an entertainer, as a Black woman, I'm interested in making strides, taking chances, finding my own way in my own time.

I do know that racism still exists. Maybe it always will. Like so many Black people, I have my own stories of being profiled--of being stopped, searched and frisked twice in the same month by cops skeptical about a Black woman driving a fancy car. And you have to think, if the cops stop me, how much worse must it be for others? Yet we go on. We go to our jobs. We do what needs to be done. We struggle to better ourselves. From my people, from my parents, I cherish my priceless inheritance--the energy to work.

I used to think such work meant only physical tasks: singing and dancing and putting on a show. But now I realize that the work ethic applies to spiritual tasks as well. The job of discovering who you are, independent of anyone or anything, is perhaps the hardest work of all. That's the work that interests me most, the work that, with God's help, is bringing me a deeper sense of satisfaction. Now I see that the pain is worth it. The pain is necessary. Sometimes pain is the teacher we require, a hidden gift of healing and hope.

 

=================================================

 

Obviously we've all read this before (hopefully). It was posted on ATRL and I enjoyed reading it again so I thought I'd post it here. My favourite line is, "The dance involved hours of therapy but very little sincerity.""

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That article ..THAT ARTICLE >>>>>>>>

Ive always said it was the absolute BEST article on Janet mf'in Jackson EVERRR. This was the article that made me HATEEEEEEE René, I remember so vividly. Its such a sad article yet the vulnerability of it is so beautiful.

And One thing Ive always respected about Janet is, even if someone has did something cruel to her..she has never been one to throw dirt on their name and expose them out of hurt like your average person. Im alot like her in that regard ..I identify and admire that about her.

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I never read this so T4P! Didn't even know abt that accident (still don't know much abt rene tbh) but interesting. 

 

Really weird that you posted it now because I *finally* saw the light/accepted All For You for the amazing album it is. I never understood it's purpose until last week and now this article confirms my beliefs. 

 

In short, Janet >>>>>>>

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I never read this so T4P! Didn't even know abt that accident (still don't know much abt rene tbh) but interesting.

Really weird that you posted it now because I *finally* saw the light/accepted All For You for the amazing album it is. I never understood it's purpose until last week and now this article confirms my beliefs.

In short, Janet >>>>>>>

Many fans use to drag AFY and Dismiss it bc of TVR.. But AFY is truly my favorite Janet album.. I always go back to it more than any other album.

AFY is a masterpiece

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What's great about Janet's discography is that you can have debates about what's her best album post-Control because they slay.  She's covered a plethora(I love that word :asham: ) of subjects that relates to damn near everyone.

 

Goddess. was my favorite album up until the Damita Jo album.  Then you go back into her catalog and really delve into her albums and your opinion changes. One day it was RN. The next Control. The next The Velvet Rope.

 

BuT, everyone knows that "Control" is her best album. :coffee:  The Standard. The Template. Classic. Legendary. Iconic.  

 

rhonj-kimg-evil.gif

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Some fans are stuck in 1997 though

True. But that's a time when music was reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly good.  And not saying the music isn't good nowadays, but back then you had variety.

 

But I love the A4U album.  I remember getting it a week early than the actual release date. I screamed when I saw it in the store on the military base! :w00t:

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But it is kinda weird when you see some say that Discipline, Damita Jo or 20 Y.O. is their fave album.  I absolutely adore tracks on each album, but it just seems out there that they would choose those out of her earlier works.

 

It is weird tbh. But I recently really got into 20 YO and I loved Damita Jo anyway. I can see why the young kids would love it...I just hope they've heard Control to AFY too. 

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I love how Control - AFY have purpose and really solid themes that you can apply to your own life.

 

Control was my shit when I was leaving for college. 

 

RN is so relevant for a conscious young listener. 

 

janet. is the ultimate realization of one's self. Every 20somethimg black woman should listen to this when  growing into their womanhood. 

 

TVR is tackling one's demons. You is so genius. EVERYONE can relate to this album.

 

And now I see AFY as getting past those demons and finding new life beyond them. 

 

Maybe AFY was the finale? idk but that's not my Job to finish the journey/story, ONLY JAN CAN.

 

 

Damita - Discipline added nothing to that journey and why I don't see it for those albums. 

 

chubbycheeky.png

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But it is kinda weird when you see some say that Discipline, Damita Jo or 20 Y.O. is their fave album. I absolutely adore tracks on each album, but it just seems out there that they would choose those out of her earlier works.

Not really.

Someone who got into Janet late might have personal attachments and love those albums because they were able to enjoy and experience the era/music presently.

I didn't get into Janet heavily until '08 but became a fan in '06. I personally love 20 and Discipline a lot because I got to receive and feel the exciment of the era as it happened.

All of her albums are classic. TBQFH.

:coffee:

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Not really.

Someone who got into Janet late might have personal attachments and love those albums because they were able to enjoy and experience the era/music presently.

I didn't get into Janet heavily until '08 but became a fan in '06. I personally love 20 and Discipline a lot because I got to receive and feel the exciment of the era as it happened.

All of he albums are classic. TBQFH.

:coffee:

I'm not debating that..I understand the generational component of why her latter albums maybe her best to some.  BuT, during her peak, she was on another level.

 

That's why I find it weird to hear some say that.

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That article ..THAT ARTICLE >>>>>>>>

Ive always said it was the absolute BEST article on Janet mf'in Jackson EVERRR. This was the article that made me HATEEEEEEE René, I remember so vividly. Its such a sad article yet the vulnerability of it is so beautiful.

And One thing Ive always respected about Janet is, even if someone has did something cruel to her..she has never been one to throw dirt on their name and expose them out of hurt like your average person. Im alot like her in that regard ..I identify and admire that about her.

 

Its my first time reading this and this was my first emotion :lol: I wish she did throw him under a bus, in the shady way only she could.

I can see her having an autobiography in the distant future

Thats why she was very clear True You is NOT an autobiography :lol: there is alot she has held back from the public that will def make for a good read later down the line

But it is kinda weird when you see some say that Discipline, Damita Jo or 20 Y.O. is their fave album.  I absolutely adore tracks on each album, but it just seems out there that they would choose those out of her earlier works.

Well Damita Jo is my second fav Janet album after RN, but thats because I could relate it to alot of stuff going on at my life at time. However, Id guess most who prefer those albums above the rest are of the younger generation into "beats" more than anything.

 

I never read this so T4P! Didn't even know abt that accident (still don't know much abt rene tbh) but interesting. 

 

Really weird that you posted it now because I *finally* saw the light/accepted All For You for the amazing album it is. I never understood it's purpose until last week and now this article confirms my beliefs. 

 

In short, Janet >>>>>>>

 

 

I really didnt get A4U at the time...it felt so up and down. I eventually saw the light but this article really helps put it in a different perspective.

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I'm not debating that..I understand the generational component of why her latter albums maybe her best to some.  BuT, during her peak, she was on another level.

 

That's why I find it weird to hear some say that.

:rolleyes: "Discipline" used to be my favorite Janet album. I still love it but I have a deep appreciation for every single one of her albums on a personal level so I don't really have a favorite.

She saved my life. :cry: I'm ready for the next chapter. :cry:

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Not every album has to tell a story or be conceptual.

On 20 she was having fun but "Discipline" is deeper than most people realize. I remember reading this interview where she spoke in detail about a couple songs and how it related to the "Discipline" theme and to her life.

Here it is:

A Passion for Discipline

Sitting across from a roaring fireplace one winter afternoon in Vail, Janet is curled up on a dark leather couch as she discusses the unlikely topic of Discipline, the title of her new album. Beyond the floor-to-ceiling window, long graceful branches of towering trees are heavy with snow. In the distance, a lift carries skiers up an imposing mountain awash in white. Janet’s wearing a midnight-black sweat suit, her hair pulled back to the nape of her neck. Her body language is relaxed and her eyes are smiling. She’s trim, and also a little hoarse, having just fought off a cold. The whisper-quiet texture of her voice adds to the intimacy of the conversation.

“Discipline has been much on my mind,” she says. “It’s the idea that unifies the songs on this record. As a concept, and even a lifestyle, discipline goes extremely deep. It can be applied to so much about ourselves. In my case, I see it as one of defining aspects of my character. Discipline was there for me from the start. But it was not until this record that I began to understand its full meaning.

“In putting Discipline out front-- as both the title of the album and title of a song about sexual surrender--I wanted to announce that I was venturing into new creative waters. That meant working with producers like Jermaine Dupri, Rodney Jerkins, and Ne-Yo, whose songs spoke to the immediacy of my emotions. Like all my records, this one, whether intentional or not, has autobiographical roots. It’s difficult for me to work any other way. I don’t feel it, if I don’t believe it, I can’t sing it.

“So Discipline, as a storyline, begins in my childhood which someone could see as a classic study in discipline. Discipline was part of a family culture that I absorbed. I was born with it.

“I also believe that discipline has given me the confidence to jump out of the nest. When L.A. Reid, Chairman of Island Def Jam, and I discussed co-executive producing this record, we both agreed that the feeling had to be adventuresome and fresh. I was interested in exploring musical scenarios—some exotic, many erotic, but all deeply emotional. I wanted to push the envelope. And I’m glad that `Discipline,’ both as a song and an album, does just that.

“`Feedback,’ a Rodney Jerkins production, is a different metaphor that also explores sexual tension. It’s a provocative conversation that invites openness in an area where so many of us are closed off. The same could be said for Rodney’s “Roller Coaster,” a musical ride that reflects that up and downs of romantic/physical agitation and excitement.”

When asked how her concept of discipline has changed over the years, Janet reaches for her mug of hot tea, takes a sip and pauses several seconds before replying.

“Well, I guess if I go back to the beginning I see a little girl, 10-years-old, who’s appearing on `Good Times’ and sets her own alarm clock to wake up at 5:30 AM in order to be at work by 7. Then I think about a 15-year-old starting to make records. For the next 25 years, she makes an album every two or three years without fail. Going a little deeper, she learns that the music most connected to her heart has a rhythmic and harmonic complexity that requires work. That means hours and hours trying to compose lyrics and melodies that ring true; hours and hours in the studio layering the vocals that contain the different voices she hears inside her head. Then, of course, the months she spends planning and executing world tours, one after another.”

And does that artist see discipline as a burden?

“No, I see it as a blessing,” Janet is quick to say. “As a child, I took it for granted. That’s who I was. As a teenager, I wanted to sing and dance. I realized that required concentration. I wanted to reach people, and I had the good sense to see that couldn’t happen if my skills weren’t crafted with precision. But as I came to adulthood, I was hard on myself. Discipline is one thing; perfectionism is another. Perfectionism is a kind of punishment. It leads to permanent dissatisfaction and heartbreak. It’s wonderful to strive for excellence, but demanding perfection only leads to heartache and frustration. It took me years to learn that difficult lesson. But in finally learning it, I now see discipline in a new light.”

The light of the winter sun breaks through the grey sky and floods the room. Janet gets up and finds a copy of “Can’t Be Good,” a song written and produced for her by Ne-Yo, who also did “Discipline.” She slips it into the CD player. The sensuous groove stops the conversation; it’s all heavenly harmonies and sweet romantic ambivalence.

“The ambivalence and the discipline are in conflict,” says Janet when the song stops. “I can relate to the story. In fact, I can imagine myself in the story. After a long relationship that ends in pain, I turn to my old friend, discipline. I discipline myself not to get involved, not to be vulnerable, not to fall in love. My discipline protects me from any more hurt. My discipline keeps me on track. But here comes someone who’s so real and right that, as the song says, `This can’t be good.’ So discipline really isn’t discipline. It’s just self-protection and fear of being hurt. It’s resistance. Thankfully, the heat of pure passion melts the resistance. And the result is free-flowing love.”

“Listen to `Letchu Go,’” Janet continues. “It was written and produced by Jermaine. When I read the lyrics by Jermaine and Johnta Austin, I couldn’t help but cry. The more I thought about the story, the more I saw how it reveals another aspect of positive discipline, especially as it relates to relationships. The song says that we can’t stop trying just because we hit rough times. It’s not too late; we can’t give up on our fate; we can’t let go of that discipline that allows us to work through problems and find a way to the wonders that come with open and honest love.

“The album expresses what I need to express at this moment of my life,” she says. “It says that discipline, rather than being a problem, can bring pleasure. Discipline is a key to freedom. Discipline allows me—allows all of us—to focus. And the focus must be on thoughts and feelings that nourish our physical and spiritual lives.

“Funny, but my first big album also had a one-word title—Control. I was naïve in thinking that I could control every aspect of my life. The only one who really has control is God. But it took discipline—the discipline of thought, the discipline of action, the discipline of creating music—to make me see that. Finally, discipline has to do with faith. I have faith that a gentle but steady discipline will let me continue to grow as an artist and a woman.”

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:rolleyes: "Discipline" used to be my favorite Janet album. I still love it but I have a deep appreciation for every single one of her albums on a personal level so I don't really have a favorite.

She saved my life. :cry: I'm ready for the next chapter. :cry:

Mother Janresa and her healing powers. :tear:

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I mean every album doesn't have to tell a story or be conceptual, but Janet has given us 5 albums like that so the rest just fail in comparison. 

 

Like not even sonically, look at the lyrics. My sis was kinda uninspired or something.

 

Just not the same quality, but I do bop!

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