DJ Y2K Malone™ Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 The 8 Black Gays you will meet in your lifetime. After reading “A Handy Guide to All Gay Men” by Brian Moylan over at Gawker, what stood out to me (obviously) was that I don’t know many Black men like this. Any one of these archetypes can apply to my Black gay brethren, but by and large, in my experience, they do not. So some mischievous friends and I decided to compose a more colorful equivalent to Moylan’s classifications. Your education begins now. The Skinny Bitch This strain of Black gay is typically very young (”green”) but quickly rises in popularity in his newfound social circle because of his youth, pliability and quick mastery of shade. His goal is to accrue as many enemies as possible since he’s convinced that having enough people that despise him means he’s “doing something right.” He will spend an entire month’s salary on designer sunglasses because he considers them social currency. Activities: “Walking”, throwing shade, wearing eyeliner, being penetrated, hogging the camera, starting arguments with strangers, making youtube videos, going to the mall. Diva of Choice: Beyonce or Rihanna (there is no in-between) Top or Bottom: Bottom. The Homo Thug The Homo Thug’s days are numbered since this is a group that usually patterns itself after trends in Hip-Hop, and the thug image is slowly fading. However, this image is still a selling point in gay porn and a popular refuge for closeted men. He usually has archaic notions about Black male sexuality and equates “thug” with masculinity. He is disrespectful, self-hating, and needs to pull his pants up. Activities: Hiding, lying, saying “I don’t do that gay s***t”, smoking weed, being ignorant, having kids, having a limited vocabulary, not returning calls, breaking hearts. Diva of Choice: Lil’ Wayne Top or Bottom: Outdoor Top/Indoor Bottom The Big Boy These teddy bears are sweet, loving, warm and always horny. The lines between a good meal and good sex are often so blurred that any conversation involving “meat” will simply have to be taken in stride. He is way more confident than you think he has a right to be, always has a date (because he looks “healthy”), he’s funny, and will give you anything in the world as long as you are consistently f***king his brains out. Activities: Calling skinny b***hes “skinny b***hes”, cooking, hugging, making inappropriate double entendres, grabbing. Diva of Choice: Jennifer Hudson Top or Bottom: Bottom. The Muscle Queen They roll in packs and only date each other. You never see them during the winter months because they are in the gym 24/7. Come summer, he’s wearing the smallest tank-top or the tightest t-shirt. Don’t bother lusting after him, because you do not exist in his world. Activities: Making fun of fat people, lifting weights, talking about lifting weights, accusing skinny people of being sick, dating white guys, bumping into people, being penetrated. Diva of Choice: Creatine. Top or Bottom: Power Bottom. The Church Queen In spite of the Black church’s reputation for homophobia and intolerance, you will find that a number of Black gay men make the church the cornerstone of their social interaction, perhaps out of a sense of familial or religious obligation, or simply because the choir is so fierce. The Church Queen is usually loyal and loving, but is prone to Tourette-like outbursts of “Jee-suss!!” in any given situation. He listens to gospel music constantly and considers Loretta Divine his spirit animal. Activities: Cooking, talking loud, clutching his pearls, singing, being called “mother”, being single, speaking with a southern twang even though he’s from the midwest or the northeast. Diva of Choice: Karen Clark Sheard Top or Bottom: Sanctified Bottom. The Uppity Snob He is educated, has a six-figure salary, a nice car and a big house, but nothing is good enough for him. He will throw dinner parties with his Coven Of The Articulate and they will all wear hard-soled shoes regardless of the season, time of day or theme. When he’s among other types of gays, he will roll his eyes, sneer, or attempt to oppress them intellectually. In spite of all his accomplishments, he’ll never be happy, can’t take a joke and never laughs. He can usually be found in the club wearing a blazer and sipping a cocktail against the wall. Activities: Debating, sighing, having a small penis, having furniture delivered, going to the spa, being offended, finding excuses to use any word that requires a schwa. Diva of Choice: Whitney Houston Top or Bottom: Bottom. The Alterna-Queen He doesn’t like the “gay scene” because he finds it “too mainstream.” You can find him a coffee shop with his MacBook Pro listening to underground Soul or Hip-Hop, writing poetry and waiting for someone with whom he can debate the oppression of goats and librarians. He often accuses people of “not getting” him and reactively dislikes anything that everyone else likes. He’s basically “The Uppity Snob” but with dreadlocks. Activities: Poetry slams, debating, having his locks re-twisted, blogging, shopping at outdoor markets, calling himself a photographer, quoting Marcus Garvey, dating white men. Diva of Choice: Some b***h you never heard of. Top or Bottom: Top for white guys, otherwise bottom. The Old Queen The Old Queen has seen everything and done everyone. He thinks you’re frivolous and that you stole everything from his generation. He will say things like “in my day, the men were men” and “remember when House music was House music?” He is short of patience and doesn’t want to hear your whining. Activities: Knowing everything. Remembering everything. Diva of Choice: Stephanie Mills, Teena Marie, Chaka Khan or Luther Vandross. Top or Bottom: Like it even matters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trackboy Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 I don't know which one I would be.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatOtherFan Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 I've seen this list before...lol Why is every type on this list a bottom? lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Baby Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 I've seen this list before...lol Why is every type on this list a bottom? lol To this day I have never met a homothug bottom. I hate this list. I meet more tops or vers, than bottoms.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Baby Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 I don't know which one I would be.. I'm a combination of at least 3 I suppose Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vaquero Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 so basically you have to meet boi 8 times Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ray. Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 I've seen this list before...lol i remember a similar one over at the old forum cause i said that homo thug applied to a specific member. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatOtherFan Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 To this day I have never met a homothug bottom. I hate this list. I meet more tops or vers, than bottoms.. I would like to... lol so basically you have to meet boi 8 times :lmao: :lmao: i remember a similar one over at the old forum cause i said that homo thug applied to a specific member. Who!?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonofBaldwin Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 There are SO many "skinny bitches" on Planet Janet it's not funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg/Dean Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 I've seen this list before...lol Why is every type on this list a bottom? lol Asking the same thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bailey Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 I don't fit any of those Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jodienda76 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Awww...I'm a Big Boi. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dee Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 so basically you have to meet boi 8 times ch. I'm to deep for a online list to define me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vaquero Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 ch. I'm to deep for a online list to define me oh yeah you're so complex bish please Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatOtherFan Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 oh yeah you're so complex bish please OOP! :lmao: :lmao: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dee Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 oh yeah you're so complex bish please you must rember I was born with blood of kings and queens I can't be stoped Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jodienda76 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 oh yeah you're so complex bish please you must rember I was born with blood of kings and queens I can't be stoped Are you two at war or something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dee Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Are you two at war or something? na me nd vadge-queero always racial profile and have fun but thatotherthing tried to start mess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatOtherFan Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 na me nd vadge-queero always racial profile and have fun but thatotherthing tried to start mess No I didn't. I know you two joke around with each other...I was just feeding into to it. :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xtraordinary Xternal Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 This list is just I don't think I fit any of those Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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