Escapade Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 It's my essay for college on what motivates me Fundraising is always a risky business. You never know how much money people are willing to donate. That is why when I was assigned to raise money for tetanus I was a bit apprehensive. I was uninformed about this disease, the causes of it, and how millions of children around the world were affected by it. So I did what any analytical student would do, I educated myself. While researching this heinous disease, I discovered that every nine minutes a newborn dies from tetanus and that $1.80 can help a mother and her newborn. From then on I was determined to make a change. I started asking everybody that I came in contact with to donate, and that every little bit counts. I even asked them more than once hoping they have acquired some more spare change. Some even began to say I was a bit bothersome, but I was on a mission. To my surprise all the loose change and dollars that I collected came to a total of $21.80. That is about 12 newborns! From that moment on I knew that raising money for tetanus was more than just a community service hour for me, it meant that I have helped change the world, and that motivates me more than anything else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Escapade Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 Please tell me any mistakes you come across or any suggestions. thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Wonder Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Harsh, but realistic and heartfelt, criticism.... Could you be any more boring and cliche? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Escapade Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 Harsh, but realistic and heartfelt, criticism.... Could you be any more boring and cliche? LOL Well it's not really something I'm passionate about. I could really care less to be honest I just threw some stuff together. Is it that bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Wonder Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 LOL Well it's not really something I'm passionate about. I could really care less to be honest I just threw some stuff together. Is it that bad It's just boring and cliche....and probably won't give you leverage in your application. Make it interesting. The opening is boring, and the supporting sentences are sooooooo cliche. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Escapade Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 It's just boring and cliche....and probably won't give you leverage in your application. Make it interesting. The opening is boring, and the supporting sentences are sooooooo cliche. Writing is not really my strong point. I'm more of a math person Do you have any suggestions for the opening? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bailey Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Grammatically the first sentences are not complete sentences should all run together with proper punctuation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angela Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Make it personal somehow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bailey Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Make it personal somehow. funny you say that, I had a paper to write for my fundamentals nursing class, about professionalism, and you had to give YOUR definition and then expand on that, someone emailed me their paper, and I thought he doesn't get it, it should be a personal thing, make it related to you and stay on topic but relate. His paper read like a dictionary entry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Escapade Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 Grammatically the first sentences are not complete sentences should all run together with proper punctuation. Like this? Fundraising is always a risky business; you never know how much money people are willing to donate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bailey Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Like this? Fundraising is always a risky business; you never know how much money people are willing to donate. yes, that is an nice intro into the topic and grabs the attention right off....next is the part where you come in and how this matters to you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Escapade Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 yes, that is an nice intro into the topic and grabs the attention right off....next is the part where you come in and how this matters to you this is gonna be tricky, considering that it's a 250 word limit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bailey Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 this is gonna be tricky, considering that it's a 250 word limit no it's not, nothing is impossible for you....now get to work and make us proud Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angela Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Grammatically the first sentences are not complete sentences should all run together with proper punctuation. The first few sentences are complete sentences. They're just boring (sorry, hun ), and simple sentences. They all contain a subject and a predicate. By him adding a semicolon, it's acknowledging that all he's doing is conjoining independent clauses into one sentence, and independent clauses are nothing more than simple sentences. There are not a lot of compound sentences in there, which helps to make an essay a bit more interesting. And I cannot reiterate the importance of bringing a personal touch to it. Maybe you can try a similar disease that affected someone you know and/or cared about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Escapade Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 The first few sentences are complete sentences. They're just boring (sorry, hun ), and simple sentences. They all contain a subject and a predicate. By him adding a semicolon, it's acknowledging that all he's doing is conjoining independent clauses into one sentence, and independent clauses are nothing more than simple sentences. There are not a lot of compound sentences in there, which helps to make an essay a bit more interesting. And I cannot reiterate the importance of bringing a personal touch to it. Maybe you can try a similar disease that affected someone you know and/or cared about. K I'm about to work on it now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kidfresh832 Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 I agree with most of the feedback so far the first draft comes across as boring and you really do need to add more personality into it. So I did what any analytical student would do, I educated myself. While researching this heinous disease That part especially comes across as trying too hard for me. As you are applying to college it is basically understood that you want to further educate yourself. And then the disease of course is bad so that part also seems unnecessary. And if you have a word limit you don't want to be redundant you can use that space to put more of your personality into it so you don't come off robotic, generic, or boring. You basically want to say with that part that you are naturally inquisitive and enjoy learning and discovering things. Instead of 'any analytical student' talk about YOU specifically. Make yourself stand out, your traits, your goals, what YOU want to learn. It's more interesting to read the more personal you make it. Just remember generic is boring. Always have that in your head while you work on it. How do i fit more of ME into this and still get my points across? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eli's_rhythm Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Let me be the grammar police, with a few personal edits thrown in. It's my essay for college on what motivates me Fundraising is always a risky business. [bizarre hook; "risky" would not be my adjective of choice.] You never know how much money people will be willing to donate. So when I was assigned to raise money for tetanus, I was a bit apprehensive. I was uninformed about this disease, its causes, and how millions of children around the world have been affected by it. So I did what any analytical student would do: I educated myself. While researching this heinous disease, I discovered that every nine minutes, a newborn dies from tetanus, but $1.80 is all it takes to help a mother and her newborn. From then on, I was determined to make a change. I started asking everybody that I came in contact with to donate, because every little bit counts. I even asked some more than once, hoping they might give up some more spare change. Some even began to say I was a bit bothersome, [this first clause is awkward] but I was on a mission. To my surprise, all the loose change and dollars that I collected came to a total of $21.80. That is about 12 newborns! From that moment on I knew that raising money for tetanus was more than just a community service hour for me; it meant that I have helped change the world, and that motivates me more than anything else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eli's_rhythm Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Oh, wow, I didn't realize this was a REAL college application essay. Yeah, it needs some spice. I wish I could just help you revise it, but it needs to be in your voice. Talk less about what you were thinking when you did it, and more about the process of raising the money for the disease. You should also include more about the people who are affected by tetanus and perhaps start the essay with a hook about how $1.80 is all you need to save a life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Wonder Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Writing is not really my strong point. I'm more of a math person Do you have any suggestions for the opening? The opening should have a bang, an attention grabber, something to make your paper stand out. Imagine you're in a stan war (imagine someone like Katy Perry just called MJ "Jacko"), and you want to say something to just piss off the opposing stan. That should be your opening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Escapade Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 Thank you all so much. I'm revising it now. I also need to get started on my essay for Cornell. Here's another personal statement I wrote: As the world is constantly changing it is becoming increasingly hard to find a teenager that is dedicated to their studies and dedicated to making others feel happy around them. I feel that I embody that rare teenager. Growing up, watching people around me struggle instilled in me a drive to want to excel so that I would not have to struggle as well. Being a first generation American, my parents have always told me how lucky I am to be in America, the land of the free. They tell me of their hardships of being from Ghana, where education was not a top priority. They told me stories of how they had to walk miles just to get an education and how they moved to America for a better opportunity for their children. I am very appreciative of them. From a young age I have taken pride in always being at the top of my class. I loved the feeling I got when I received an "A" on a test or quiz. I felt being involved in activities was an obligation as well. Every year since grade school I have ran for a student council position. It is an amazing feeling to be a part of the student body. The thrill that I get from being in a position of responsibility is unmatched. I also take pride in helping out my peers in any way possible, whether it is mentoring underclassmen through Senior Leadership, walking for Autism with Key Club or raising money for various charities with The National Honor Society. I pride myself on being a leader, knowing that I have helped someone become a better student. I am also grateful for the many activities my high school has provided me. Events such as the Leadership Workshops and intramural competitions had a major hand in developing the hard working, competitive, and outgoing young woman I am today. Everyday as I walk the halls of my high school, I see children who simply do not care for school at all. I have never understood it and I do not think I ever will. School has always been my number one priority and it will continue to be as I continue on to postsecondary education. As a student university student, I plan on working hard to achieve exceptional grades and get to where I want to be in life. I plan on representing your institution with pride and encourage others to use their full potential to succeed in life. It sounds cliche and all but school actually is my top priority and i really do take pride and being at the top of my class. I know... I'm such a boring person Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Escapade Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 The opening should have a bang, an attention grabber, something to make your paper stand out. Imagine you're in a stan war (imagine someone like Katy Perry just called MJ "Jacko"), and you want to say something to just piss off the opposing stan. That should be your opening. LOL that would piss me off! I'm rewriting now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bailey Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 The first few sentences are complete sentences. They're just boring (sorry, hun ), and simple sentences. They all contain a subject and a predicate. By him adding a semicolon, it's acknowledging that all he's doing is conjoining independent clauses into one sentence, and independent clauses are nothing more than simple sentences. There are not a lot of compound sentences in there, which helps to make an essay a bit more interesting. And I cannot reiterate the importance of bringing a personal touch to it. Maybe you can try a similar disease that affected someone you know and/or cared about. they didn't flow well, something felt off as I read them, so maybe I was wrong in the grammar area not my best, but flow is important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janet.1814 Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 It's my essay for college on what motivates me Fundraising is always a risky business. You One never knowS how much money people are willing to donate. That is why when I was assigned to raise money for tetanus I was a bit apprehensive.(I don't like this sentence) I was uninformed about this disease, the causes of it, and how millions of children around the world were affected by it. So I did what any analytical student would do, I educated myself. While researching this heinous disease, I discovered that every nine minutes a newborn dies from tetanus and that $1.80 can help a mother and her newborn. From then on I was determined to make a change. I started asking everybody that I came in contact with to donate, and that every little bit counts. I even asked them more than once hoping they have acquired some more spare change. Some even began to say I was a bit bothersome, but I was on a mission. To my surprise all the loose change and dollars that I collected came to a total of $21.80. That is about 12 newborns! From that moment on I knew that raising money for tetanus was more than just a community service hour for me, it meant that I have helped change the world, and that motivates me more than anything else. i tried to make corrections, but you use the word "I" too much....rewrite everything Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janet.1814 Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 And I cannot reiterate the importance of bringing a personal touch to it. Maybe you can try a similar disease that affected someone you know and/or cared about. or make it up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Escapade Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 or make it up I was actually thinking that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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