My Control!

[bu.]

When I was 17, I did what people told me

Did what my father said, and let my mother mould me

But that was long ago

1986 saw the 'birth' of one of Pops greatest visionaries ever, Janet Jackson. The baby of the Jackson family came with the album that separated the puppets from the masters, Control. OK so it was her 3rd album but quintessentially it was the one that brought her to the forefront and made her the icon she is today. The title track is almost anthematic in the sense that it shows exactly how she managed to separate herself from her family in order to achieve what she did. She was 20 years old.

I’m 21 (22 next week). I still live at home with my family. I didn’t go away to university like normal people do. Instead I commuted from my parents’ home every single day on a 3 hour bus journey. I wasn’t a part of any societies as I had no time for them. I couldn’t socialise as much as I wanted because I was on a tight schedule. The bus only ran once an hour and the last bus was sometime around half 5 when most students would probably be waking up. Long story short...I missed out on having a great university experience. The one I always dreamed about.

I’ve always missed out on a lot. I remember when I was about 5 years old I asked if I could go to a birthday party I had been invited to by a classmate. I was refused. ‘Pakistanis don’t go to parties’. I think my mother even hit me for even asking. Well ok then. Pakistanis don’t go to parties. But I’m not Pakistani. I have a British passport.

All my life I’ve lived in this bubble that my parents put me in. No socialising. Don’t talk to anybody. We don’t’ go to anyone’s house unless they come to ours. You’re not allowed out. Don’t leave the garden. Eat this. Sit down. Stop talking. Shut up. Just be quiet. Eat this. No you can’t go out. SHUT UP. Get lost. Leave me alone. Shut up you basket/brat/twat/cunt/idiot/fatty. Just sit down and shut up.

I’ve lost track of what I’m even talking about. Anyway I had a depressing childhood basically. I hated it. I could go on and on about my childhood but I won’t. There’s too much drama and angst. All I know is that when a 7 year old contemplates suicide, then you know something’s up. I can’t remember how many times I tried running away from home. My family always found it amusing. I didn’t. Are they that dumb to realise I wasn’t happy? Was I ever asked why? Nope. And to be honest I can’t quite remember myself.

Those 3 years at uni were so fucking depressing. I hated not being able to take part in all the events and stuff which make up uni. Instead I was living in the comfort of my parents as per usual. Now that I’ve graduated I’m STILL at home with my parents, working for my father’s accountancy firm. When I couldn’t get a job in the 2 weeks after I graduated (because it really takes that long to find a job during a recession) I was told to work with my dad until I found something.

I did find something. My mother wasn’t too happy about it though. In her ideal world her sons will keep on working with the family business with no prospects of living a better life. Well fuck that. I’m not earning £250 a week (not even on the books so I’d be evading tax all my fucking life). And they expect me to start a family on hat? Fuck that. These first generation immigrant Asians are fucked up to the core.

I’m tired of being broken hearted. I’m tired of being ignored. I’m tired of being walked on. I’m tired of that bitch going through my things and snooping through my stuff and not giving me any fucking privacy. I’m tired of not being able to go out without feeling guilty. I’m tired of always living a lie. I’m tired of living in complete darkness. I’m tired of being unhappy all the time. I’m tired of always sacrificing my happiness for others. I’m tired of other people telling me what I should do, who I should talk to, what I should eat, where I’m allowed to go out etc. This is MY life and it’s time I took control.

I spent the last 21 years fearing breaking out and being me. Well not anymore. Yes I’m scared about being poor, or living on a street if it comes to that but I know I’ll be happy in knowing that I’m no longer being dictated too. This is my fucking life. MINE. They’ve lived theirs so why can they not let me live mine?

I know they’ll never let me leave voluntarily. And if I do then they’d disown me. Well I welcome that if it means I’m free. I’m planning on leaving. Call it running away if you want. For me...it’s a journey. A journey of self-discovery. I want to “find myself” whatever that may be. I’m not living my life for anybody else any more. This is about me! And it’s time I took control.

This June I’m out of here. I’m going to go and see Janet and let her sermon lift me up. After that I will search every inch of London trying to hunt her down so I can say hey etc. Then I’m going to fly out to America and visit some friends (and hopefully some board members). And then when I return to the UK I’m going to find a place to stay permanently rather than a friends sofa and get a job (hopefully the job market will have improved).

[XYZ]

You go girl!

I hear wat u say

u gotta watch u some Oprah....definitely a healer for the kinda pain u speak of

ur parents are mole... i can relate... so old school and bakward...they dont realise how much damage they do 2 their kids lives... u gotta keep fighting and pushing....eventually they'll get the idea

dun worry about uni life...its over-rated

its full of ppl ull never see again and dont want 2c

[bu.]

You go girl!

I hear wat u say

u gotta watch u some Oprah....definitely a healer for the kinda pain u speak of

ur parents are mole... i can relate... so old school and bakward...they dont realise how much damage they do 2 their kids lives... u gotta keep fighting and pushing....eventually they'll get the idea

dun worry about uni life...its over-rated

its full of ppl ull never see again and dont want 2c

I used to blame myself for the shit they did but I realised that the issue is that they don't trust their own parenting and thats not my problem. They may think I'm a druggy or that i drink or whatever they want (they're Muslims so thats all bad to them) but truth is...everything they think I am I'm not. And the relatives they compare me to and say they wish I was more like are exactly what they think I am . So I'm being victimized for not being what they think I am.

I've waited too long but it's about fucking time.

[XYZ]

I used to blame myself for the shit they did but I realised that the issue is that they don't trust their own parenting and thats not my problem. They may think I'm a druggy or that i drink or whatever they want (they're Muslims so thats all bad to them) but truth is...everything they think I am I'm not. And the relatives they compare me to and say they wish I was more like are exactly what they think I am . So I'm being victimized for not being what they think I am.

I've waited too long but it's about fucking time.

OMG

My parents would compare me too! ....and to ppl who are lesser than me

but they dont really realise the damage they inflict on u

ive dealt with that my whole life...its so damagaing...u hafta spend ur time undoing all the abuse thats been layered on ur head/killing ur spirit

u end up growing with low selfworth, not knowing ur own self worth, looking for validation from others, comparing urself to others etc

and ur always on the defensive...like u hafta defend or prove urself to others

u may hafta realise that these ppl arent really ur parents...or cant give u wat u expect and need from them....thats how i got over it...just really detached from them...treat them as ppl, rather than parents

dont blame urself...i used to blame myself for a lot of the shit ive been thru.... and i never really came to terms it until one time i watched an episode of oprah and then it clicked...its not ur fault!! abuse is never ur fault! and from that point on, i stopped carrying the bullshit and abuse ppl levelled on me.

i can relate to u so much...my parents want everything for me..like im the next coming/prodigal son...tehy dont realise how much unnecessary pressure and anxiety they have caused for my life, and thats why im always burnt out

[Paul]

Or instead of being do dramatic actually tell your parents that you are feeling too suffocated and that if they dint allow you freedom you will leave? Surely that's better than just going? Give them the option to back off before you take such drastic steps

[XYZ]

Or instead of being do dramatic actually tell your parents that you are feeling too suffocated and that if they dint allow you freedom you will leave? Surely that's better than just going? Give them the option to back off before you take such drastic steps

Paul, u make it sound like hes dealing with rational, sane ppl

theyll probably invalidate all his feelings anyway

[bu.]

OMG

My parents would compare me too! ....and too ppl who are lesser than me

but they dont really realise the damage they inflict on u

ive dealt with that my whole life...its so damagaing...u hafta spend ur time undoing all the abuse thats been layered on ur head/killing ur spirit

u end up growing with low selfworth, not knowing ur own self worth, looking for validation from others, comparing urself to others etc

and ur always on the defensive...like u hafta defend or prove urself to others

u may hafta realise that these ppl arent really ur parents...or cant give u wat u expect and need from them....thats how i got over it...just really detached from them...treat them as ppl, rather than parents

dont blame urself...i used to blame myself for a lot of the shit ive been thru.... and i never really came to terms it until one time i watched an episode of oprah and then it clicked...its not ur fault!! abuse is never ur fault! and from that point on, i stopped carrying the bullshit and abuse ppl levelled on me.

i can relate to u so much...my parents want everything for me..like im the next coming/prodigal son...tehy dont realise how much unnecessary pressure and anxiety they have caused for my life, and thats why im always burnt out

For me, it was always the hardest being the youngest. The eldest was the only girl. The 2nd eldest was the 1st boy. The 3rd one was the smart song that was going to be a doctor. And me? I somehow got left behind. I remember me and my cousin (same age who also felt the same in her family) always had these deep conversations. Extremely deep for kids aged 5ish.

I guess there comes a point where I needed to realise that I was never going to be the apple of their eyes and instead of trying to be that I just need to be me. I've realised that now. Madea said it best when she said 'your parents gave birth to you. Thats all they had to do'.

For real. We need to team up and write a book . I swear Oprah has the answer to everything .

Or instead of being do dramatic actually tell your parents that you are feeling too suffocated and that if they dint allow you freedom you will leave? Surely that's better than just going? Give them the option to back off before you take such drastic steps

Already tried it and it didn't work. My mother said 'as long as you're in this house you're never going to live that fairytale life'. I'm not being dramatic if I want to live a happier life. If anything she helped me make my decision. She's right (for once). I WILL never be happy here so the only option is to leave. I'd ratehr be happy and alone than with people I have nothing in common with and sad.

[XYZ]

For me, it was always the hardest being the youngest. The eldest was the only girl. The 2nd eldest was the 1st boy. The 3rd one was the smart song that was going to be a doctor. And me? I somehow got left behind. I remember me and my cousin (same age who also felt the same in her family) always had these deep conversations. Extremely deep for kids aged 5ish.

I guess there comes a point where I needed to realise that I was never going to be the apple of their eyes and instead of trying to be that I just need to be me. I've realised that now. Madea said it best when she said 'your parents gave birth to you. Thats all they had to do'.

For real. We need to team up and write a book . I swear Oprah has the answer to everything .

sad.

Yes and Yes

That bitch has saved my life so many times, and saves me having 2 go to therapy

my parents have stopped now, but still...damage is already done

i used 2 resent them soooooooo much

and then we turned the tables back on them

what the fuck is so good about them

what have they done in their lives

someone told me "u dont need a licence to become parents...."

but then another person told me...u cant change ur parents...so ur best 2 deal with that issue

[bu.]

Yes and Yes

That bitch has saved my life so many times, and saves me having 2 go to therapy

my parents have stopped now, but still...damage is already done

i used 2 resent them soooooooo much

and then we turned the tables back on them

what the fuck is so good about them

what have they done in their lives

someone told me "u dont need a licence to become parents...."

but then another person told me...u cant change ur parents...so ur best 2 deal with that issue

I think I'm over resenting them. I gave up on them a long time ago. Now I'm just going through the motions.

I'm glad to have someone who understands. How are you coping now?

[XYZ]

I think I'm over resenting them. I gave up on them a long time ago. Now I'm just going through the motions.

I'm glad to have someone who understands. How are you coping now?

I just kinda giving myself validation and worth, and realised that i dont really need them...truly

they do nothing for me

they good for money and that kinda thing

but emotionally...useless

and started to realise that thats all theyre capable of ...so wats the point of being angry

and i started 2 realise the reason they push me so much is coz i have potential and they just want the best for us...but still, they went about it in the wrong way

theyre fuked up ppl

[bu.]

I just kinda giving myself validation and worth, and realised that i dont really need them...truly

they do nothing for me

they good for money and that kinda thing

but emotionally...useless

and started to realise that thats all theyre capable of ...so wats the point of being angry

and i started 2 realise the reason they push me so much is coz i have potential and they just want the best for us...but still, they went about it in the wrong way

theyre fuked up ppl

See I don't think whatever mine have done is for me. My mother has shown time and time again that she only cares about herself. She's a lost cause as far as I'm concerned. She never learns lessons even though karma has bitten her so many times.

I'm glad you're doing good now. Hopefully I can get to that point one day. It's scary thinking about branching out on my own. I'm so nervous.

[XYZ]

See I don't think whatever mine have done is for me. My mother has shown time and time again that she only cares about herself. She's a lost cause as far as I'm concerned. She never learns lessons even though karma has bitten her so many times.

I'm glad you're doing good now. Hopefully I can get to that point one day. It's scary thinking about branching out on my own. I'm so nervous.

My parents only care what other ppl think

they care more about what others think about me as opposed to my poor health...which only causes more problems more health... theyre really sick ppl...and they say things "think about how we feel"...and im like 'think about how i feel...im the ones whose health is out the window"

i couldnt even tell my parents i had a crazy stalker... i tried...they dont even get it

they are uselss

sometimes i tell em "wat if i had cancer"

just view them as ppl... analyse them as ppl...not as "parents"..ull get over it

and ull meet ppl along the way who can help u

i have met so many ppl in my life who have helped me more than my parents

and if u ever get stuck,,, go c a shrink!

[XYZ]

ull be fine...

[bu.]

My parents only care what other ppl think

they care more about what others think about me as opposed to my poor health...which only causes more problems more health... theyre really sick ppl...and they say things "think about how we feel"...and im like 'think about how i feel...im the ones whose health is out the window"

i couldnt even tell my parents i had a crazy stalker... i tried...they dont even get it

they are uselss

sometimes i tell em "wat if i had cancer"

just view them as ppl... analyse them as ppl...not as "parents"..ull get over it

and ull meet ppl along the way who can help u

i have met so many ppl in my life who have helped me more than my parents

and if u ever get stuck,,, go c a shrink!

It's funny because I have people in my life that have been like parents to me. I'm actually comign out to the states to see one of them. She's a dear friend and has helped me so much. I think the reason we're such good friends is ebcause she felt the exact same way about her parents and still does (She's in her 30s now with 2 kids and her parents still bother her).

[XYZ]

It's funny because I have people in my life that have been like parents to me. I'm actually comign out to the states to see one of them. She's a dear friend and has helped me so much. I think the reason we're such good friends is ebcause she felt the exact same way about her parents and still does (She's in her 30s now with 2 kids and her parents still bother her).

i think a lot of ppl have this kinda problem

its sad

my parents also think that wateva they say is right

theyre just so deluded and backwards

[bu.]

i think a lot of ppl have this kinda problem

its sad

my parents also think that wateva they say is right

theyre just so deluded and backwards

For real

[XYZ]

[Paul]

Paul, u make it sound like hes dealing with rational, sane ppl

theyll probably invalidate all his feelings anyway

I have doubt that his parents are both rational and sane. They might not be very understanding or very nice, but they aren't crazy.

If he moves out without communicating with them as much as he can, or zoning his focus on his father and trying to get him to understand so that he can move out with his fathers blessing then there is a very real chance that he could be cut off from his family for a very long time if not forever.

Moving out and hoping for the best isn't a smart or realistic option unless he has already found a job that pays enough to support him, because if he does go under the circumstances he is suggesting going back will not be an option. If he goes like this, doesn't find a job, runs out of money etc what's he going to do?

He thinks his life is bad now, try being homeless and jobless with no support and nowhere to go.

As I said, this way is too dramatic and it can be done in a better way.

[XYZ]

I have doubt that his parents are both rational and sane. They might not be very understanding or very nice, but they aren't crazy.

If he moves out without communicating with them as much as he can, or zoning his focus on his father and trying to get him to understand so that he can move out with his fathers blessing then there is a very real chance that he could be cut off from his family for a very long time if not forever.

Moving out and hoping for the best isn't a smart or realistic option unless he has already found a job that pays enough to support him, because if he does go under the circumstances he is suggesting going back will not be an option. If he goes like this, doesn't find a job, runs out of money etc what's he going to do?

He thinks his life is bad now, try being homeless and jobless with no support and nowhere to go.

As I said, this way is too dramatic and it can be done in a better way.

I get ur point

i guess im lucky...my parents would never disown

id always be able to come back

[bu.]

I have doubt that his parents are both rational and sane. They might not be very understanding or very nice, but they aren't crazy.

If he moves out without communicating with them as much as he can, or zoning his focus on his father and trying to get him to understand so that he can move out with his fathers blessing then there is a very real chance that he could be cut off from his family for a very long time if not forever.

Moving out and hoping for the best isn't a smart or realistic option unless he has already found a job that pays enough to support him, because if he does go under the circumstances he is suggesting going back will not be an option. If he goes like this, doesn't find a job, runs out of money etc what's he going to do?

He thinks his life is bad now, try being homeless and jobless with no support and nowhere to go.

As I said, this way is too dramatic and it can be done in a better way.

I've already said that there is no better way in the post above. My father is siding with my mother(already spoken to him).

As for not finding a job...I know I'll be fine for at least 5/6 months based on savings and no income. HOPEFULLY I'll have found a job by then. I wish going back to uni was an option but they've gone and doubled the fees.

[XYZ]

are all of ur aunts and uncles the same

maybe if it comes from someone else, theyd be more understanding

thats how they think sometimes

[Paul]

So you explicitly told your dad that you will leave because of the situation?

[lexus97]

i think you should find a job first in the mean time since you live at home and work save as much money as you can and get some place to live. try to do it right so u dont end up back at home. its rough out there

[hotboy06]

When I was 17 I joined the army

Uh..

Did what the drill sergeants said

And let my commander mold me

But that was long ago I'm in

CONTROL!

[lexus97]

When I was 17 I joined the army

Uh..

Did what the drill sergeants said

And let my commander mold me

But that was long ago I'm in

CONTROL!

:lmao: u fucking nut!!!