Kaleidoscope Eyes Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Seriously, it's been great as far as my career after finishing school....however, the social aspect sucks and is really emotionally draining/taking a toll on me. As an openly gay, black gay male I have virtually no one to identify with. The black men out here (especially in San Francisco) hate each other and are self-loathing coons to the tenth degree. Racial tensions among blacks and non-blacks/whites has only gotten worse. I feel like I'm all alone and have no one who understands what I'm going through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock & Roll Hall of Game Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 :/ aww Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aquaria Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I didn't realize SF was like that. How long have you been there? It takes time no matter where you go to find your people and your scene. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vibeology Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I never woulda thought that either...and San Fran is one of my places id like to see. Â So if black men hate themselves there and relations with non blacks is tense, whom are they dating? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
downeaznboi Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Where are you looking? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Wonder Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I did notice that while I was out there during Xmas. It's not as diverse as I remember it growing up. It looks to be practically all Filipinos and Whites. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeJoe Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I've been to SF many times and have never experienced this. I've had good experiences out there with blacks, latinos, and especially whites so I don't know what you were doing or trying to do or what happened with them for you to feel like blacks out there don't like you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bailey Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 it's like that in certain areas of the country, it's definetly like that in Detroit, the have two gay prides, one for the White gays, the other for others. I too do not feel like I fit in because I'm not some poster image of what gay men have been media driven to think a gay dude looks like. If you're a gay a black male, and I can only convey my truth, so respect that, some gay black men they either want to fuck you, or they hate you. If you a black male that is open to other races, some gay black men will hate the fuck outta you til no end, and there's nothing you can say that will get them to see what you enjoy is just that whatever you enjoy. Â I think sometimes black gay men think its a competition, like if you are even remotely fuckable, you are the competition in a small pool of men trying to get other men. That's been my experience, so even when I tried to make gay black male friends, it wasn't happening, even more general, I find gay men to be hard making friends in general no matter what color, because everyone seems to be either about fucking or want nothing to do with you. I've had several dudes I wasn't interested in but I thought were cool peeps, these dudes didn't want shit else, either we gonna fuck, or they are out to stab you in the back. Â And yes, it's getting worse, something is going on in some areas where the economics segregate folks and while some dudes might get with you for the dee, they aint gonna marry you. I say respect yourself, love you, embrace others, forgive them even when they hate you, because they probably dont know you enough to do so. Its hard for ALL gay men, keep trying, maybe change up your approach see where you're "fishing" sorta speak and maybe change that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeJoe Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 it's like that in certain areas of the country, it's definetly like that in Detroit, the have two gay prides, one for the White gays, the other for others. I too do not feel like I fit in because I'm not some poster image of what gay men have been media driven to think a gay dude looks like. If you're a gay a black male, and I can only convey my truth, so respect that, some gay black men they either want to fuck you, or they hate you. If you a black male that is open to other races, some gay black men will hate the fuck outta you til no end, and there's nothing you can say that will get them to see what you enjoy is just that whatever you enjoy. Â I think sometimes black gay men think its a competition, like if you are even remotely fuckable, you are the competition in a small pool of men trying to get other men. That's been my experience, so even when I tried to make gay black male friends, it wasn't happening, even more general, I find gay men to be hard making friends in general no matter what color, because everyone seems to be either about fucking or want nothing to do with you. I've had several dudes I wasn't interested in but I thought were cool peeps, these dudes didn't want shit else, either we gonna fuck, or they are out to stab you in the back. Â And yes, it's getting worse, something is going on in some areas where the economics segregate folks and while some dudes might get with you for the dee, they aint gonna marry you. I say respect yourself, love you, embrace others, forgive them even when they hate you, because they probably dont know you enough to do so. Its hard for ALL gay men, keep trying, maybe change up your approach see where you're "fishing" sorta speak and maybe change that I agree with a lot of what you said but see i'll end up having to let somebody know about themselves if I felt them being shady cause I don't play that shit. Take ya shady ass on away from me before we end up fighting which I try not to do, but rudeness is my no.1 pet peeve. As for the Blacks trying to compete yes i've felt that many times but that happens everywhere not just in the bay. I've had Black guys that see I look just as good or better than them and they see me getting hit on so what they'll do is try to get attention on themselves in some way. They can go from dancing dirty, trying to show that they have a bigger ass or better body than me but i'm not fazed cause I got a nice ass and a nice body and that's enough for me. Hell I see plenty of Blacks that look way better than me and have better bodies and I don't care cause I still get good looking guys. There's better looking guys than I am but yet a cute guy might like me better than the guy who looks better than me. It's happened to me plenty of times and i'm like "What? That dude is better looking than me but this cute guy is hitting on me instead of the other dude. Also i've been out with my buddy Daniel and I look much better than him and i've seen guys hit on him and pay me no attention lol even tho I don't care for the guys that hit on him but still it happens. Hell you never know maybe some are intimidated by you cause some are intimated by me and i'm one of the nicest guys anybody could meet. I've been at gay clubs where some blacks have told me that i'm not gay simply because I look masculine and I don't wear tight jeans to show my ass or whatever they gays do. On the other hand i've had black gays just come up to me on the dance floor and start twerking their asses on me. Some Blacks feel like Blacks don't find them attractive so they migrate towards the other races who the feel find them attractive. I went through a phase like that where I thought I was unattractive to Blacks so i'd always get with white boys and latinos but I guess I felt that way cause whites and latinos weren't scared to hit on me but of course Black guys especially the Black DL guys are scared to hit on another Black dude who they assume are straight. Whites and Latinos simply don't g.a.f. lol. If they want you they're gonna let you know in some way. Anyway now I know it wasn't cause of what I was thinking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
downeaznboi Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Making friends as adults is difficult period. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bailey Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 we have work to do as people of color to change the narrative, we have some of us and those others that are convinced Black is ugly, and that self loathing comes into play. I look at myself and see a 20 something looking man, not someone approaching 40  We have to stick together, we cant let them tell us whats pretty, we know whats pretty. Hell I was shopping just this weekend, Ralph Lauren, ever notice how the color palettes compliment white folk? Them colors of bright pinks, reds, and patterns of pastel colors look nice on someone, but most bruthas I know dont wear that shit. The sexist man I know right now, his name is Maurice, and he's a beautiful brutha, married of course  look racism was here before any of us came to be and it will be here after, it's in the blood of America, because white folks owned us, and they will never get over that shit, because getting away wasn't a chapter in the book okay, we tricked they ass and they aint never gonna be the same. Look at how they segregate, when they dont want us in their neighborhoods, funny, when you owned us we were warming up your beds at night, now theres something wrong with that picture. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeJoe Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 we have work to do as people of color to change the narrative, we have some of us and those others that are convinced Black is ugly, and that self loathing comes into play. I look at myself and see a 20 something looking man, not someone approaching 40  We have to stick together, we cant let them tell us whats pretty, we know whats pretty. Hell I was shopping just this weekend, Ralph Lauren, ever notice how the color palettes compliment white folk? Them colors of bright pinks, reds, and patterns of pastel colors look nice on someone, but most bruthas I know dont wear that shit. The sexist man I know right now, his name is Maurice, and he's a beautiful brutha, married of course  look racism was here before any of us came to be and it will be here after, it's in the blood of America, because white folks owned us, and they will never get over that shit, because getting away wasn't a chapter in the book okay, we tricked they ass and they aint never gonna be the same. Look at how they segregate, when they dont want us in their neighborhoods, funny, when you owned us we were warming up your beds at night, now theres something wrong with that picture. Oh we still warming their beds a lot more now lol but I also found it funny how they had us help raise and take care of their kids but yet call us animals and the n-word. Oh well but yeah I know i'm attractive so I could give 2 fucks what anybody white, black, asian, or latino gotta say about it cause all of them have hit on me and there's only one race that I just named that I haven't slept with lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaleidoscope Eyes Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 Where are you looking? Mostly I catch the Bart out to SF just to see what I can get into. Funnily enough, I get unfriendly stares from fellow black gays. However whites, Asians, non-blacks are actually nice to me. It's just a weird dynamic. I don't get the self-hate out here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaleidoscope Eyes Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 I agree with a lot of what you said but see i'll end up having to let somebody know about themselves if I felt them being shady cause I don't play that shit. Take ya shady ass on away from me before we end up fighting which I try not to do, but rudeness is my no.1 pet peeve. As for the Blacks trying to compete yes i've felt that many times but that happens everywhere not just in the bay. I've had Black guys that see I look just as good or better than them and they see me getting hit on so what they'll do is try to get attention on themselves in some way. They can go from dancing dirty, trying to show that they have a bigger ass or better body than me but i'm not fazed cause I got a nice ass and a nice body and that's enough for me. Hell I see plenty of Blacks that look way better than me and have better bodies and I don't care cause I still get good looking guys. There's better looking guys than I am but yet a cute guy might like me better than the guy who looks better than me. It's happened to me plenty of times and i'm like "What? That dude is better looking than me but this cute guy is hitting on me instead of the other dude. Also i've been out with my buddy Daniel and I look much better than him and i've seen guys hit on him and pay me no attention lol even tho I don't care for the guys that hit on him but still it happens. Hell you never know maybe some are intimidated by you cause some are intimated by me and i'm one of the nicest guys anybody could meet. I've been at gay clubs where some blacks have told me that i'm not gay simply because I look masculine and I don't wear tight jeans to show my ass or whatever they gays do. On the other hand i've had black gays just come up to me on the dance floor and start twerking their asses on me. Some Blacks feel like Blacks don't find them attractive so they migrate towards the other races who the feel find them attractive. I went through a phase like that where I thought I was unattractive to Blacks so i'd always get with white boys and latinos but I guess I felt that way cause whites and latinos weren't scared to hit on me but of course Black guys especially the Black DL guys are scared to hit on another Black dude who they assume are straight. Whites and Latinos simply don't g.a.f. lol. If they want you they're gonna let you know in some way. Anyway now I know it wasn't cause of what I was thinking. I'm sorry but you sound very shallow: your whole disposition (like most gay men) is about who is better looking, who has the best body etc. Not tryna judge you cause I remember you from back in the day on the old board. But you were much more down-to-earth when you were "straight." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeJoe Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I'm sorry but you sound very shallow: your whole disposition (like most gay men) is about who is better looking, who has the best body etc. Not tryna judge you cause I remember you from back in the day on the old board. But you were much more down-to-earth when you were "straight." I just said i've seen guys who look better than me and have better bodies but yet i'm very shallow. There's a difference between being shallow and being confident. OK then i'll just let you think i'm shallow. Don't really care tho Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
downeaznboi Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Mostly I catch the Bart out to SF just to see what I can get into. Funnily enough, I get unfriendly stares from fellow black gays. However whites, Asians, non-blacks are actually nice to me. It's just a weird dynamic. I don't get the self-hate out here. Â I was reading your post taking the Bart ironically. I take the Bart everyday to get to downtown SF for work lol. Â There are a lot of self-hating Asians too. Â Its not exclusive to any minority community. Â Making friends as adults is hard in general. Â Making friends is usually of convenience. Â When you're looking for a specific type of friend it narrows the field even further. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vibeology Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 it's like that in certain areas of the country, it's definetly like that in Detroit, the have two gay prides, one for the White gays, the other for others. I too do not feel like I fit in because I'm not some poster image of what gay men have been media driven to think a gay dude looks like. If you're a gay a black male, and I can only convey my truth, so respect that, some gay black men they either want to fuck you, or they hate you. If you a black male that is open to other races, some gay black men will hate the fuck outta you til no end, and there's nothing you can say that will get them to see what you enjoy is just that whatever you enjoy.  I think sometimes black gay men think its a competition, like if you are even remotely fuckable, you are the competition in a small pool of men trying to get other men. That's been my experience, so even when I tried to make gay black male friends, it wasn't happening, even more general, I find gay men to be hard making friends in general no matter what color, because everyone seems to be either about fucking or want nothing to do with you. I've had several dudes I wasn't interested in but I thought were cool peeps, these dudes didn't want shit else, either we gonna fuck, or they are out to stab you in the back.  And yes, it's getting worse, something is going on in some areas where the economics segregate folks and while some dudes might get with you for the dee, they aint gonna marry you. I say respect yourself, love you, embrace others, forgive them even when they hate you, because they probably dont know you enough to do so. Its hard for ALL gay men, keep trying, maybe change up your approach see where you're "fishing" sorta speak and maybe change that  This is one of the things that makes it frustrating full stop. I sometimes wonder how common it is to form completely platonic friendships in the scene...do people just become friends of friends? It hasnt happen to me in a long time...just someone who was cool to be friends if we didnt click sexually. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vibeology Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I was reading your post taking the Bart ironically. I take the Bart everyday to get to downtown SF for work lol. Â There are a lot of self-hating Asians too. Â Its not exclusive to any minority community. Â Making friends as adults is hard in general. Â Making friends is usually of convenience. Â When you're looking for a specific type of friend it narrows the field even further. Â This would explain why people prefer to make "friends" in virtual world. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeJoe Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 This is one of the things that makes it frustrating full stop. I sometimes wonder how common it is to form completely platonic friendships in the scene...do people just become friends of friends? It hasnt happen to me in a long time...just someone who was cool to be friends if we didnt click sexually. I don't have a problem with that. I'm actually one of those guys who thinks if you're just trying to get in my pants it's not gonna happen. I refuse to be a one night stand so my goal is to be friends more than anything. That's my intention when I first meet anyone is to be friends. Don't matter if they're hot or not to me. Friends first then whatever later or maybe just friends period and that's it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vibeology Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I don't have a problem with that. I'm actually one of those guys who thinks if you're just trying to get in my pants it's not gonna happen. I refuse to be a one night stand so my goal is to be friends more than anything. That's my intention when I first meet anyone is to be friends. Don't matter if they're hot or not to me. Friends first then whatever later or maybe just friends period and that's it  Well maybe im looking in the wrong places, because even when people say they are looking for friends, it usually means sex needs to be involved. But if you just wanna hang without having that, well they get bored easy lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeJoe Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Well maybe im looking in the wrong places, because even when people say they are looking for friends, it usually means sex needs to be involved. But if you just wanna hang without having that, well they get bored easy lol that's what you gotta do tho. Even if you sense they just want sex then oh well still just be friends knowing that the sex most likely won't happen. I have friends like that now who I know wanna do something but I know it's not gonna happen but they know we still have a good time hanging out so it's cool. I wouldn't say looking in the wrong places because i've actually met one of my best friends in a club. A str8 club but still lol. Maybe it's just the wrong people. Always see if your personality clicks with theirs period. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bailey Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 that's what you gotta do tho. Even if you sense they just want sex then oh well still just be friends knowing that the sex most likely won't happen. I have friends like that now who I know wanna do something but I know it's not gonna happen but they know we still have a good time hanging out so it's cool. I wouldn't say looking in the wrong places because i've actually met one of my best friends in a club. A str8 club but still lol. Maybe it's just the wrong people. Always see if your personality clicks with theirs period. trying to be friends with someone that wants sex doesn't work, eventually they resent you or expect things from you that go beyond friendship Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bailey Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 This is one of the things that makes it frustrating full stop. I sometimes wonder how common it is to form completely platonic friendships in the scene...do people just become friends of friends? It hasnt happen to me in a long time...just someone who was cool to be friends if we didnt click sexually. so my question is do you see this with other gay men? Im not talking about the White folks, I mean men of color that are strictly friends and cool with that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeJoe Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 trying to be friends with someone that wants sex doesn't work, eventually they resent you or expect things from you that go beyond friendship not any of my friends. I will say you are right tho cause many will get upset if you dismiss their wanting to be with you sexually but it doesn't necessarily mean they won't have anything else to do with you after that. If they're really cool with being friends then they won't see a problem with you and them not hooking up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Wonder Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 JoeJoe is just the absolute most. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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