bu. Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 By all tabloid accounts, Rihanna and Chris Brown are “on again.” They spent Thanksgiving together. She’s Instagrammming himshirtless in bed and in her arms. They’re showing off matching Rolexes. This week, Rihanna's new album, Unapologetic, hit No. 1on the charts. It features a duet with Brown called “Nobody’s Business.” Rihanna may have forgiven Brown, but most of the rest of us haven’t. We don’t know her personally (even though we sing along to “Diamonds” like five times a day), yet after watching the drama unfold for years, we’re collectively starting to play the role of the friend-of-the-abused, a role that carries its own emotional baggage. While it’s by no means the same thing as being in an abusive relationship, we’re confused, unsure of whether listening to “Nobody’s Business” is a betrayal or support. We nod supportively when she says he’s no longer hurting her, but we scan her face for signs of trouble. We’re still furious with him, even if she’s not. Earlier this week, Brown stomped away from Twitter after a nasty back-and-forth with writer Jenny Johnson, who called him a “worthless piece of shit.” Many Rihanna fans cheered. But this is just about the worst way to try to support her, says Katie Ray-Jones, president of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. “Oftentimes, the survivor is not ready to leave, not sure what to do, confused,” she says, “so the worst thing that someone can do is bad-mouth the abuser, because she’s probably going to go back home to him. The average survivor leaves seven times before she leaves for good.” I called up Ray-Jones because I wanted some advice for those of us who consider ourselves Team Rihanna in the long, complicated, very public saga of her relationship with Chris Brown. Ray-Jones is used to giving advice to the friends and family of domestic violence survivors — they’re the second-largest type of caller (after victims themselves) to the hotline. “The number-one thing we hear them say is, ‘How do I make the abuse stop? How do I make her pain go away? How do I get her to leave?’ To which we respond, ‘You cannot control any of these things.’” Most of us know it’s never cool to blame the victim. We know that Chris Brown is the real asshole here. But how do we support her when she just wants us to support him? "It was a weird, confusing space to be in," Rihanna told Oprah in August about her response to police photos of her bruised and swollen face going public. "Because as angry as I was, as angry and hurt and betrayed, I just felt like he made that mistake because he needed help, and who's going to help him? Nobody's going to say he needs help. Everybody's going to say he's a monster without looking at the source, and I was more concerned about him." (The source she was referring to, perhaps, is the fact that Brown’s mother was abused when he was a kid.) A few months later, when rumors started to surface that Rihanna and Brown were back together, Oprah declared she wouldn’t pass judgment. Privately, many of us rolled our eyes. It sounded like such a cop-out. But Ray-Jones says it’s probably the best course of action in a really tough situation. “I would never attack a survivor for forgiveness, that’s part of her healing process,” she says. “I would never tell someone, 'You can’t get back with him.' If that’s what she wants to do, and she feels he’s changed, that’s her choice. And we can’t control her choice, because then we’re no better than he is.” That’s true in every domestic violence situation, but it’s even more true when the woman in question is a celebrity. Most of us — Oprah included — are Rihanna’s distant fans, not her personal friends. We have no right to tell her what to do. Many times, survivors who return to their abusers work very hard to convey to the world that it’s all okay behind closed doors — and hope that narrative becomes the reality. Recording a duet about their enduring love is Rihanna and Chris Brown’s version of showing up to Christmas dinner together holding hands. “When a survivor returns, there is a period of time when things are better,” Ray-Jones says. “I’m really hopeful that there’s not violence in that relationship, but I have my reservations based on some things that he’s still continuing to do in social media.” Advocates who fought for the passage of the Violence Against Women Act decades ago had to make a case for why domestic violence is a public scourge, not a private problem. For those of us who consider ourselves Rihanna’s allies, we want to protect her privacy while at the same time publicly calling a spade a spade. Even Ray-Jones admits that something about supporting Rihanna’s choice feels wrong. Rihanna and Chris Brown are a very prominent relationship model that a lot of young women, consciously or not, use as a barometer for what is acceptable behavior from a romantic partner. So, if we can’t blame Rihanna or lash out at Brown directly, whatwould help? “I think the collective response has to be, ‘That’s not how we’re going to treat women.’ Men need to hold Chris Brown accountable,” Ray-Jones says. That doesn’t mean name-calling, but it does mean pointing out that violent language toward women, which Brown has exhibited time and again in the years since his abuse of Rihanna surfaced, is never acceptable. “Young people need to see role models who are having healthy relationships,” Ray-Jones says. That includes not just what happens between Rihanna and Chris Brown, but also how we react to them. From the article "Why Hating Chris Brown Isn’t the Same As Supporting Rihanna" http://nymag.com/the..._medium=twitter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bu. Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 I hate this new copy & paste shit and the way it pastes it looking all weird. Why can't it just be pasted properly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexus97 Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 I hate this new copy & paste shit and the way it pastes it looking all weird. Why can't it just be pasted properly i know right i thought it was just me fuckingup :lmao: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bu. Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 i know right i thought it was just me fuckingup :lmao: ! I'm like aint nobody got time to fix this shit - they can just read it all messed up ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexus97 Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 ! I'm like aint nobody got time to fix this shit - they can just read it all messed up ! i know..did u se the picture of them i posted in thsi thread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bu. Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 i know..did u se the picture of them i posted in thsi thread I did! I think it's a cute pic tbh. I'm just not bothered about it any more tbh. It's her life. If he does it again thats a nail in his career coffin...and well she's big enough and has enough of a fanbase to 'recover' though people won't be as sympathetic this time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Why would you bold the part about their relationship being prominent and therefore a model of what young people look up to as part of your reasoning for people to leave them alone That's EXACTLY the problem.....young girl gets her ass beaten by her boyfriend. Young girl goes back because that's what her idol did. Young girl gets beaten again. And again. Young girl ends up dead. Yes it's Rihanna and Chris business but instead of idiots here rooting for them and saying we should mind our business, maybe they should look at statistics on domestic violence and women beaters. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bailey Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Why would you bold the part about their relationship being prominent and therefore a model of what young people look up to as part of your reasoning for people to leave them alone That's EXACTLY the problem.....young girl gets her ass beaten by her boyfriend. Young girl goes back because that's what her idol did. Young girl gets beaten again. And again. Young girl ends up dead. Yes it's Rihanna and Chris business but instead of idiots here rooting for them and saying we should mind our business, maybe they should look at statistics on domestic violence and women beaters. you sure are not backing down Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bailey Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 The whole thing with the attack I think we tend to kinda forget things in pop culture, like it happen but we don't hold onto it unless its something huge like someone died, but we still move on. I think folks forgot he not only beat her, but he actually bit her, very violent, now this behaviour here shows someone who still has no control so yea we can sit and wait to see what happens but if Oprah is right, she's gonna get her ass beat again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bu. Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Why would you bold the part about their relationship being prominent and therefore a model of what young people look up to as part of your reasoning for people to leave them alone I bolded what I agree with. You can't tell a "victim" what to do but that relationship IS a barometer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bu. Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 The whole thing with the attack I think we tend to kinda forget things in pop culture, like it happen but we don't hold onto it unless its something huge like someone died, but we still move on. I think folks forgot he not only beat her, but he actually bit her, very violent, now this behaviour here shows someone who still has no control so yea we can sit and wait to see what happens but if Oprah is right, she's gonna get her ass beat again. No one will forget this. Some people still remember Tina got beat more than they do her music. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kishi Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 No one will forget this. Some people still remember Tina got beat more than they do her music. I completely agree. This is something that will always follow them, whether they are in the spotlight or not. Their relationship will always be associated with Feb 8, 2009. This will always rub people the wrong way. They are not role models or an ideal item. They are a prime example of a relationship with many issues and potential hurt. This could be an example for young lovers of what not to do. While it is Rihanna's life, I do understand that folks are concerned. I want her to do what is best for her. She says they were best friends before they fell in love and maybe it's their way of rekindling their friendship/romance/love after being away from each other for so long and dealing with the media frenzy and tabloids. No wonder Rihanna has adapted this "no phucks" attitude. You have to be thick skinned in order to publicly have that kind of relationship and be a celebrity. The life she's living is not for the weak heart or mind. Best wishes to her, always! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatOtherFan Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Charlie sheen beat a woman up and held her at gun point just last year and that was he third time doing that. People aint got shit to say about it and he just landed a new show. And of course Tommy and Ozzy have revamped their image, they've had 20 years to do so. But when Tommy threw Pam over a couch and had her running for her life, celebs didn't have shit to say about it. When chris does the same thing he's seen as a evil asshole almost four years later. The double standard is obvious. TRUTH!!!!!! ....and I'm in the group that shakes my head and says "shut the f**k up" every time he acts a fool on Twitter. lol I didn't even know Ozzy and Sharon had domestic violence issues... lol It's a HUGE double standard, even though Chris is stupidly feeding into what some of his detractors. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RaLpHieReBeL516 Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Really? They are both in the public eye and as a consumer I have the right to decide whether I deem their behaviour appropriate and as a result whether I chose to give them my money. I choose not to give Chris my money because I don't like his attitude or behaviour. i could careless wht they do if it were rihanna i would still buy her music, ur not buying music based on the artists personal life or at least u shouldnt, its about the music, if you pay attention to their life an and feel that strongly about it then thts you, aside from chris being stupid he just makes bad bland music so i would never give him my money Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Escapade Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 The fact that ppl on my instagram dashboard are regramming the picture and saying "I want a relationship like Chris Brown and Rihanna" is beyond me. I have no time for that. But if she likes getting her ass beat mercifully that's her business. I personally would not get back with someone who almost took my life but I guess. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bu. Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 The fact that ppl on my instagram dashboard are regramming the picture and saying "I want a relationship like Chris Brown and Rihanna" is beyond me. I have no time for that. But if she likes getting her ass beat mercifully that's her business. I personally would not get back with someone who almost took my life but I guess. The majority of them are suck ups. 3 months ago they were hating the fuck out of Chris Brown and now everybody loves him . The fuck out here with that flip flopping shit !! They just want a tweet from Rih or something. I hate Fickle Navy. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Escapade Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 The majority of them are suck ups. 3 months ago they were hating the fuck out of Chris Brown and now everybody loves him . The fuck out here with that flip flopping shit !! They just want a tweet from Rih or something. I hate Fickle Navy. Lmao it's sad! I feel like some navy members still lowkey hate Rih.. and vice versa. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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